


Her Eyes Are Wilson Green

by RockWithItWriting



Series: Purgatory Line - The Continuations [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abandonment, Angst, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, slight OOC Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-23
Updated: 2020-01-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:53:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22370581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RockWithItWriting/pseuds/RockWithItWriting
Summary: He doesn't think he's good at much, but he knows he's good at running.[EXCERPT FROM PURGATORY LINE, CHAPTER THREE, FROM DEAN'S POINT OF VIEW]
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, dad!dean winchester/original character
Series: Purgatory Line - The Continuations [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1610368
Kudos: 7





	Her Eyes Are Wilson Green

**content warnings: parental abandonment, self deprecating thoughts, mentions of parental death, harsh language used**

\- [playlist](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fopen.spotify.com%2Fplaylist%2F404oG0o7ew6ZcmrzOo5y8h%3Fsi%3DSq62MRNfRXK98SfkL-Vw3Q&t=YzdiMjRhMjRhNjM3MjI3MDJkMjc4ZmI5NTU3M2VhNzJmMmM3NGY4NixsNG1ieVh0NQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AyVg5PkKFcmDKFop6VmQ-dQ&p=https%3A%2F%2Fnightowlwriting.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F189688662604%2Fch1-hello-this-is-reality-callin-wishing&m=1) -[ pinterest board](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.pinterest.com%2Flwiwriting%2Fch-jude-winchester-lear-smith%2F&t=NGI4NTc0ZjRkMzVkMmFiNTFkNDgyNmI2NjY5MzFjZTRhY2ZlMmVmNyxsNG1ieVh0NQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AyVg5PkKFcmDKFop6VmQ-dQ&p=https%3A%2F%2Fnightowlwriting.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F189688662604%2Fch1-hello-this-is-reality-callin-wishing&m=1) \- [story masterlist](https://nightowlwriting.tumblr.com/post/189556311739/this-was-my-nanowrimo-project-for-this-year) -

"What is your name?" Dean wasn't sure that he wanted to know the answer, but he asked anyway. Sunny looked too much like him for it all to be coincidence, and he was just afraid her name was Mary or some feminized version of his own name.

She took a deep breath and averted her eyes like she knew whatever answer she gave was going to hurt him, and Dean figured she was probably right in that assumption. "My Mom named me Jude, after the Beatles song. You know, Hey, Jude? She said my Dad was sure fond of it, but wouldn't tell me why. It used to be my lullaby when I was still young enough to need one."

Dean flinched away like she had prodded him with the fiery end of a cattle brand and covered his face. Everything seemed to spin away from him, out of his control, and it made him sick to his stomach. The girl in front of him - Jude - was his daughter. There was no way to deny it, not when everything lined up just so. "What?" Jude asked, and Dean swore she sounded just like him.

Dean managed to speak past his dry throat, his tongue weighing a ton in his mouth. "I didn't know." He said it like it was a prayer, like saying it could make everything better. "I didn't... If I would have..." He was so afraid he was shaking, moving his hand from his eyes to gaze at Jude.

Her eyes were so much like his. They were candy apple green and so expressive. Dean should have known for sure when she was sitting across from him in that diner - how had he been in denial for so long? Fear curled in his gut and clenched around his throat. He bit down on his knuckle, shaking his head. Dean would not cry in front of Jude, he wouldn't. "I don't know what I would have done." He cursed himself when he realized his voice was shaking.

And Jude... She looked so heartbroken. She looked so scared. She looked so much like Dean when he was her age and it scared the shit out of him. He flinched again when Jude said his name, something like hope kindling in her voice. No, he couldn't... It... He sucked in a breath, trying to keep the Roadhouse from spinning around him. He had a daughter, and she was twelve years old. "Are you... Are you sure? Then you can - I've waited so long, man. And, and! You can... We can - Desmond. Holy shit."

Reality seemed to crash down on Dean all at one moment, and he rocketed back. His breath caught in his throat when his back slammed against the booth, and he wanted to get further away. Dean felt like he was going to crawl out of his skin, scrambling to find something that would cover the pure, undiluted fear that he was feeling.

He couldn't do it, he decided in a split second. He couldn't be a Dad - especially not to a girl who was on the edge of being a teenager. He couldn't... Dean was not a man fit for being a father. He was a man fit for killing, and hunting, and fucking things up. He raised Sammy, sure, but he barely did that.

How was he supposed to raise a kid that he didn't even know? How was he supposed to love the child when Dean didn't love himself? If Jude was a Wincehster, and Dean was sure that she was at that point, then she'd be in too much danger.

But if he left her with Desmond... Well, she wouldn't be a Winchester, then, would she? She'd be a Smith. She wouldn't have the weight of the name and the danger it brought. Dean wouldn't be able to fuck up being a father if he never took the job.

He leapt to his feet, heart in his throat, and wondered if she'd follow him or if she'd stay in the booth. He didn't want to see her face as the realization dawned over it, because he'd never forgive himself. Well, not like he was going to forgive himself for anything, at that point. Dean grabbed Sam by the collar and set his hand heavy on Castiel's shoulder.

"We're leavin'." Dean rumbled, and then strode out the door of the Roadhouse. He was gritting his teeth so hard he could feel it in his temples, the beginnings of a backache and a headache beginning to bloom. Sam followed him and let the door shut behind them.

Dean was almost to the door of Baby when he heard Jude's voice. He nearly tripped over his feet, scrambling for the keys and avoiding Sam's questioning look. "So that's it?" Her voice sounded so rough, broken, angry... It sounded like Dean when he was trying to pretend like he wasn't hurting inside.

"Get in the car, Sammy." Dean ordered, eyes sharp on his brother. Sam looked between the two of them and gaped at Dean, but Dean jerked his chin toward Baby.

He did his best not to look back at Jude.

"Really? All of that bullshit last night about understandin'? But you don't. You don't understand!" Dean steeled himself and then got into Baby, slamming the door as he situated himself on the bench seat.

"What's goin' on, Dean?" Sam asked. He twisted in his seat to look back at Jude, and Dean... He couldn't help himself. He glanced in the rearview mirror, watching the desperate, pained look on her face. He wished that Baby was more soundproof, because she screamed again and he felt it in his soul.

"You're a coward, just like your Daddy! You're just like him! You're all the same! You're all bastards with no spine! Sons of bitches!" Dean gunned it as Jude approached, not even flinching when the rock bounced off of the rear windshield. Jude's words echoed in his head - she was right. He was no better than John. Jude was so right it hurt, right down to Dean's very core.

He locked his hands on the steering wheel and tried very hard not to cry or get pulled over. Sam was saying his name, and it was driving him up the wall. He floored it a little more, Baby lurching as she tried to keep up with Dean's foot on the pedal.

"Dude!" Sam finally broke through Dean's swirling thoughts, grabbing at his brother's arms. "What's goin' on? What was Jude talkin' about?"

"Don't!" Dean snarled at Sam, breaking his eyes from the road to glare at his brother for only a brief moment. He watched in horror as Sam recoiled, eyes wide, clear, and confused. "Don't say her name." Dean swiveled his eyes back to the road, where the beat down back roads were beginning to give away to the smooth, newer roads of a freeway. "It's nothin', Sammy. Don't worry yourself about it."

"It's somethin', Dean. Did you figure it out?" Dean's knuckles whitened on the steering wheel and he physically tried to shake the guilt he was beginning to feel off of his shoulders. "She is yours, isn't she?"

"I said don't worry about it!" Dean tried to keep a cap on his emotions, tried not to snap at Sam, but it was so hard. He felt like he was a grenade with the pin pulled, ready to devastate everything in his path.

That's why he wouldn't be a good father, Dean thought. He couldn't control himself, couldn't keep himself from snapping at Sam and scaring his brother. Dean calmed down a little bit when he validated himself like that - he was doing Jude a favor by leaving. Dean had too much - too much baggage, too much anger, too much emotion. He sucked in a breath through his nose and held it until his chest burned, and then he let it out measured through his mouth.

"Dean," Sam tried again, leaning forward so that Dean could at least see the taller man out of the corner of his eye. "Dean, come on, man. She's yours, isn't she?"

"Yeah." Dean managed to say through his teeth. "Yeah, she's mine. Ain't no sense in trying to hide it." Sam heaved out a sigh which sounded strangely like relief to Dean.

"Then why'd we take off like that? Dude, what could she have said to you that made you leave her there?" Dean cut his eyes to his brother, trying to figure out a way to explain to Sam what had happened. His silence seemed to do if for him, and Sam spoke again. "Dean, turn around."

"No, Sam." Dean shook his head, trying to ground himself in the rumbling of Baby's engine. "This life ain't for kids, you know that better'n anyone." He cursed the way his voice broke and tears welled up in his eyes as he thought about what Sam was thinking of him. How could Dean be a good father if he couldn't even be a good brother? How could he raise a child when the only thing he was good at was running from his problems?

"She's already in the life, Dean." Sam emphasized his name, spitting it like it was venom. Dean swallowed harshly. "You're tellin' me that you left her there? You left your daughter at the Roadhouse with that Desmond guy?"

"I did!" Dean snapped, voice raising. He cursed as a tear dropped from his eyes and he rubbed it away with the back of his hand. "I did leave her there, and we're not gonna talk about it anymore."

"She's your kid, Dean."

Dean jerked the wheel of Baby, slamming on the breaks and crossing over the rumble strips. "No, she's not." He snarled at Sam who looked confused and scared. Dean was lashing out, and he knew that, but it was what he had to do to protect Jude. "She's not my kid, Sammy. I made a mistake when I was a teenager, and she's just the bastard that came from it."

Sam scoffed. "You can't honestly believe that."

"Can't I?" Dean challenged Sam, jaw hard. "It is what it is, Sam. I got a kid out there, and I have to reckon with that. What I don't have to do is take care of her." Sam lunged and Dean was ready, trying to fight the younger boy away from the ignition of Baby. Sam won out, snatching the keys and holding them away from Dean.

If he were any less of a man he would have slapped that desperate look off of Sam's face. His brother sucked in a deep breath and looked like he was struggling with the same thoughts. "I don't understand you, Dean. You go off and live the normal life with Lisa and Ben, but you won't take Jude in? How fucked up is that?"

"It's not fucked up, Sammy." Dean rubbed a hand ruggedly down his face and tried not to dig his nails into his forehead. "I'm not goin' to raise a kid I don't even know. She's not goin' to live in a bunker with two men she doesn't know. It's a win-win, and you're goin' to shut your pie-hole about it, capiche?" He hardens his voice so much by the end of the sentence it doesn't leave room for Sam to argue.

Dean held out his hand and Sam passed him the keys.

He was making the right decision. Dean knew that in his heart of hearts. But, you know, sometimes even the right decision hurt the most.


End file.
